1.A man was moving the front yard, then, blonde neighbor came out to her family’s mailbox, open mailbox, glanced toward where it slammed shut, and then fixing authorities merely rushed back to her room.
After a child, she went to mail it out, open the mailbox again, then slammed shut. Somewhat angrily back to the house.
When the man was about to repair to the edges of the lawn when the blonde came out again. She rushed to the mailbox, open, and then fall on the times with the hammer than what all great.
feel very funny man but also very curious and asked her: “what matter out of a child?” her back: “Oh! my stupid old computer tell me a mail! “
2. A zookeeper notices someone throwing $20 bills at the monkeys. The zookeeper tells the man to stop and that it's not allowed.
"Of course it's allowed!", says the man.
"No it's not", says the zookeeper.
"Sure it is, it says right here: 'Don't feed the monkeys. $20 fine.'
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
"No i must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"
"I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!!"
Wife: Well, 5 years ago, he was my boy friend and i denied him for marriage.
Husband: Oh my god! He is still celebrating his freedom.
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
After a child, she went to mail it out, open the mailbox again, then slammed shut. Somewhat angrily back to the house.
When the man was about to repair to the edges of the lawn when the blonde came out again. She rushed to the mailbox, open, and then fall on the times with the hammer than what all great.
feel very funny man but also very curious and asked her: “what matter out of a child?” her back: “Oh! my stupid old computer tell me a mail! “
2. A zookeeper notices someone throwing $20 bills at the monkeys. The zookeeper tells the man to stop and that it's not allowed.
"Of course it's allowed!", says the man.
"No it's not", says the zookeeper.
"Sure it is, it says right here: 'Don't feed the monkeys. $20 fine.'
3.A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
4. My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "Theres something i must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright." "No i must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"
"I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!!"
5.A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."
6.Wife: Hey! look at that funny guy who has drunk a lot..
Husband: Who is he?Wife: Well, 5 years ago, he was my boy friend and i denied him for marriage.
Husband: Oh my god! He is still celebrating his freedom.
7.Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
8.A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
9.Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
10.Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
- Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Stop repeat offenders - don't re-elect them!
- Don't steal. The government hates competition!
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
- My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
- Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
- Some sex is good ... more is better ... too much is just about right.
- Sex is like a Ford Explorer. Going too fast may cause a roll-over injury.
- Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
- I don't remember being absent minded.
- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
- My wife says I never listen, or something like that ...
- I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
- A forgetful cow gives milk of Amnesia!
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- The more you say, the less people remember.
-When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
14.Really Funny Short Jokes That Beat the Statistics ~ Statistic Jokes
- If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?
- Remember half the people you know are below average.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
- Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
- All generalizations are false.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
15.Really Funny Short Jokes About the Dubious Joys of Working ~ Job Jokes
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
- If a job is worth doing, then get someone in to do it properly.
- Hard work never killed anybody but why take the risk!
- Work fascinates me - I can look at it for hours!
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
- A chemist who falls in acid gets absorbed in his work.
16.Really Funny Short Jokes Bound to Rise ... Eeh ... Your Spirits! ~ Viagra Jokes
- I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
- Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.
- Viagra is like Disneyland; a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
- Why do nursing homes give Viagra to their male patients? To keep them from rolling out of bed.
- If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!
- What is the difference between your first honeymoon and your second? The first: Niagara; the second: Viagra.
- A man and his wife went to the chemist to pick up his prescription for Viagra. Seeing the $10 per pill price, the man was astonished - but his wife had a different opinion - "Oh, $40 a year ain't too bad".
- It's been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff penalties.
17. Really Funny Short Jokes ... Not Kid'n ~ Jokes About Kids
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- Couple who cross LSD with birth control pills, get a trip without the kids.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers? Infantry!
- The teacher asked Simon to say his name backwards. "No mis" he replied!
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